When I Met Her.

Is it crazy for me to say I’ve been in love with this girl since I’ve met her? I mean is it really? Because I swear when I started to know her there was something about her that I was drawn to. I had never had a feeling like that before. There were many people who knew me before her, yet she got me better than any of them. We laughed, we joked, we played.we talked for hours. She’s so special…so quirky, so funny, so sensitive, sweet, and beautiful, goofy, and intelligent.

Every time I walk into my old workplace there’s a memory. A memory in just about every part of the store. I could never forget the place I met the love of my life, my twin flame, my heart, my soul, and no matter what happens…good and bad. I will remember everything because it’s all apart of our journey. She helped me find myself.

Eventually we’ll look back and laugh at the times where the signs were so obvious. I have a feeling, a slight inkling that she has known for quite awhile that we have something that many will search all their lives for.

When I realized what we had was love.

There’s only one person that I’ve always wanted to be around & that’s her. All I ever wanted was for her to be in my presence & I was happy. Knowing me…. That is something I’m not used to. I always find myself getting tired of people that I might have had some type of interest in. Never fails. It always happened. But never with her. I found myself going out of my way just so I could talk to her. I never admitted to myself that I was falling for her because she was in a relationship. I couldn’t explain how I felt I just knew that I always wanted to be around her. I attempted to kind of keep my distance because I don’t get feelings for people who are already involved, but eventually I couldn’t deny it. I was drawn to her. I cared very deeply for her, and her company meant the world to me.

Eventually her relationship ended, and she started dating again. I could never explain how troubling that was for me. I had never felt jealousy until then. I even resented her…. Because I had always been there, loving her, and it seemed like I was invisible to her. I knew she could never be attracted to me because I was fat. I felt like an ugly duckling. I felt like I could never get her because she didn’t think I was beautiful…Ya know like the girls she usually dated. It broke my heart because I just thought ….no matter how much you love someone if you don’t look how they want you to they’ll never acknowledge you.

But then I thought surely she knows that we have something special. I mean anybody could see it. Why couldn’t she?? I mean someone I was supposed to be friends with saw, which was precisely why she went after her. She knew how I felt about & she saw that she cared about me. She knew that my feelings for her for serious. She had such a low self esteem that she wanted the attention. Her fake over confidence never fooled me. The girl had nothing really going for herself & she tried to prove that she could take whomever she wanted. I had never told her how hurt I was about this. I mean I love her but she was so blind to this whole situation. She thought I was being jealous when I was really trying to warn her that she was being used.

It was never about her. It was always about K. I’ll call her K. Being jealous of me. She was jealous for some reason…..  because of my personality, and that everybody liked me. She was jealous because I was intelligent and didn’t need to have sex with someone to get their attention. And since she couldn’t have my personality, or my intelligence, or ambition. She went after the girl she knew I loved. She thought I didn’t notice it, but she had no clue I already caught on. She would constantly ask me all these questions about my relationship with her, and tell me all the things they talked about like it special. Things she had already told me. Plenty of things that I knew and she didn’t . It made me mad that a person could be that much of a snake. But I was angry with her too… She was blind to the entire thing. K tried to destroy our entire relationship right under her nose & she didn’t even notice it.

I had faith that we would come back from it & eventually we did. But she never knew all the things that she did. K never cared about her that much she was just focused on destroying the person she knew I loved. K was jealous of our relationship the entire time. Because…. Our connection was real, the way we laughed together, and talked, and talked. She wanted that so she went after all. I knew my love was in a fragile state then, and I knew she was taking advantage, but I knew that she would just write me off as jealous.

To be honest I could never be….. Their relationship had nothing on ours. It was based on a fallacy honestly. Ours was genuine. I had actually cared about her. I can say that I learned… That first of all the keeping your enemies close thing doesn’t really work for me. But also that when two people really care about each other nothing can permanently separate them. I can say that me & her have had our challenges but we always get through them. What we have…. Has always been special and nothing will ever change the fact that she is the only one fo me.

That’s my love. My twin flame. The only one outside of family that has continued to have my back no matter what terms we have been on.

I love her. I want her and I miss her. The only want in this world who has ever gotten to know the real me. Even the parts that aren’t so good. I cannot say we don’t have things we could sort on. I definitely know we can work on some issues, but I also know I don’t wanna work on anything with anybody except for her. I’d go to bat for her any day no matter how angry I was with her because I know that no matter what we’re going through I have an angel that is watching over me (lol because she knows how I always lose things, and how I don’t pay attention and how I always have my music loud.) …..she was designed for me.

 

 

 

 

 

Gone.

That feeling…even when you may not necessarily want to miss someone but you do. You don’t miss them because you can’t live without them, you miss them because you don’t want to live without them. You miss them because they made you laugh harder than anyone could, you miss them because you could talk to them for hours even if it was about absolutely nothing, you miss them because you’ve never felt love like this, you miss them because they’re your guardian angel, you miss them because they’re the love of your life…I miss this person. I miss her….and MOST OF ALL I miss her because she’s gone…It was my birthday and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I miss her, her’s in about two weeks and I won’t even be able to say anything. The memories are still vivid, but she’s gone. So I’m left…alone as usual. I guess things never change.