When I realized what we had was love.

There’s only one person that I’ve always wanted to be around & that’s her. All I ever wanted was for her to be in my presence & I was happy. Knowing me…. That is something I’m not used to. I always find myself getting tired of people that I might have had some type of interest in. Never fails. It always happened. But never with her. I found myself going out of my way just so I could talk to her. I never admitted to myself that I was falling for her because she was in a relationship. I couldn’t explain how I felt I just knew that I always wanted to be around her. I attempted to kind of keep my distance because I don’t get feelings for people who are already involved, but eventually I couldn’t deny it. I was drawn to her. I cared very deeply for her, and her company meant the world to me.

Eventually her relationship ended, and she started dating again. I could never explain how troubling that was for me. I had never felt jealousy until then. I even resented her…. Because I had always been there, loving her, and it seemed like I was invisible to her. I knew she could never be attracted to me because I was fat. I felt like an ugly duckling. I felt like I could never get her because she didn’t think I was beautiful…Ya know like the girls she usually dated. It broke my heart because I just thought ….no matter how much you love someone if you don’t look how they want you to they’ll never acknowledge you.

But then I thought surely she knows that we have something special. I mean anybody could see it. Why couldn’t she?? I mean someone I was supposed to be friends with saw, which was precisely why she went after her. She knew how I felt about & she saw that she cared about me. She knew that my feelings for her for serious. She had such a low self esteem that she wanted the attention. Her fake over confidence never fooled me. The girl had nothing really going for herself & she tried to prove that she could take whomever she wanted. I had never told her how hurt I was about this. I mean I love her but she was so blind to this whole situation. She thought I was being jealous when I was really trying to warn her that she was being used.

It was never about her. It was always about K. I’ll call her K. Being jealous of me. She was jealous for some reason…..  because of my personality, and that everybody liked me. She was jealous because I was intelligent and didn’t need to have sex with someone to get their attention. And since she couldn’t have my personality, or my intelligence, or ambition. She went after the girl she knew I loved. She thought I didn’t notice it, but she had no clue I already caught on. She would constantly ask me all these questions about my relationship with her, and tell me all the things they talked about like it special. Things she had already told me. Plenty of things that I knew and she didn’t . It made me mad that a person could be that much of a snake. But I was angry with her too… She was blind to the entire thing. K tried to destroy our entire relationship right under her nose & she didn’t even notice it.

I had faith that we would come back from it & eventually we did. But she never knew all the things that she did. K never cared about her that much she was just focused on destroying the person she knew I loved. K was jealous of our relationship the entire time. Because…. Our connection was real, the way we laughed together, and talked, and talked. She wanted that so she went after all. I knew my love was in a fragile state then, and I knew she was taking advantage, but I knew that she would just write me off as jealous.

To be honest I could never be….. Their relationship had nothing on ours. It was based on a fallacy honestly. Ours was genuine. I had actually cared about her. I can say that I learned… That first of all the keeping your enemies close thing doesn’t really work for me. But also that when two people really care about each other nothing can permanently separate them. I can say that me & her have had our challenges but we always get through them. What we have…. Has always been special and nothing will ever change the fact that she is the only one fo me.

That’s my love. My twin flame. The only one outside of family that has continued to have my back no matter what terms we have been on.

I love her. I want her and I miss her. The only want in this world who has ever gotten to know the real me. Even the parts that aren’t so good. I cannot say we don’t have things we could sort on. I definitely know we can work on some issues, but I also know I don’t wanna work on anything with anybody except for her. I’d go to bat for her any day no matter how angry I was with her because I know that no matter what we’re going through I have an angel that is watching over me (lol because she knows how I always lose things, and how I don’t pay attention and how I always have my music loud.) …..she was designed for me.

 

 

 

 

 

Fade Away

I think I’ve done okay as far as keeping it together. I’m fine. I hadn’t really really cried in awhile. But sometimes I start to think…and when I think I realize I’m doing everything in my power to avoid missing her. Missing her because clearly I still love her no matter how many times I try to avoid it.That is the truth. As I sit in this library I have no choice but to admit how much I still love her. All I can think about is the last things she said about me and they weren’t good at all. It didn’t matter if they were true or not…the fact that it came out of her mouth in the first place is just plain hurtful. How could you say those things to a person who has done nothing but love and support you? Someone who has defended you countless times to people that she is supposedly “friends” with. And this is the thanks I get?? I was her biggest fan and still I’m treated like a piece of garbage. This is why I’m always single. Because I can’t trust that what people say and do is genuine. Because at any time they can & will desert and I’ve been through that enough times in my life. Because at any time they can ignore and decide never to talk to you again. They can do you wrong and then try to blame it all on you. They can use you and then dispose of you when they’re done. This ladies and gentlemen is why I have trust issues and why its so hard to get intimate with anyone.

I’m tired of the people in my life. I’m always there for my friends. Always there when they need me the most., always giving advice when they need help with their relationships, always going out of my way to please the people that care about, always giving my last dime even when sometimes I don’t have it. Because I want to not because I have to. Don’t get me wrong I know I have my flaws, but at the end of the day I mean well and I’m always there when the people in my life need me and I don’t appreciate the fact that its never returned.

But where are these “friends” when I need them. Why do I feel so alone yet I have all these people who claim they care about me. Why can’t they be here for me like I am ALWAYS there for them? People make time for things that they want to make time for. Things that they consider a priority. Obviously I’m not one and I’m not going to ask them to be there for me like I’m always there for them. Instead I’m going to slowly fade away….because I’m tired of feeling so alone, tired of nobody appreciating all the things I do. Tired of being disrespected from people I treat I treat like I gold, so I think fading away is best…because when I’m there nobody appreciates me,