I Am Human

I am a strong woman

A strong Black woman

But I am not invincible

People make think I am because I am so strong

But I am not

I am sensitive

I am human

I need help sometimes

I cry myself to sleep sometimes

I am not invincible

Just the other day it all became too much

I was in the house alone

I was terrified

For the first time in my life…

I didn’t have control

I panicked

I literally had a panic attack

It was the scariest moment of my life so far

The walls were closing in

I could not breathe

I felt the oxygen escaping my brain

I could not move my body

I could could not stand

I was rushed to the hospital

I felt so alone

I wish I had someone who truly understood me

I am strong

But I am not invincible

I needed help then

I need support now

I am not invincible

Please help

How I’m feeling

I miss her face. It pains me to walk through this stupid mall & I can’t see her face anymore. I can’t see her smile. I miss her so much. This is my worst nightmare & I hate the person who caused this. Because every time I walk through here I cry. I can’t possibly avoid this mall. I work here. But….. She’s gone & I can feel it every time I’m in here. I never thought I could love someone this much. But I do…. I always will. No matter what disagreement we’ve had my love for her has never wavered. It’s eternal… It’s unconditional. I can look into those eyes and tell that she’s the one.

The fact that I haven’t seen her is ripping me to shreds. I’m a strong person. My mother raised me to be. But I miss her….My heart misses her, my soul misses her. I love her with all my heart..

I refer to her as that now. Because we’ll she’s a light. I could be sad, and all she’d have to do is smile & I would smile too.

I have to deal with her being with someone else. Hey she could possibly be in love with all that I’ve heard. And now I have to deal not being able to see her.

On top of that…. It’s worrying me. This relationship she’s in. Their relationship has way too much drama for them to be starting out. The woman isn’t even 100% in it. Shes working at a place where her boss, got my love fired. Like…. That’s problematic as hell. I’m worried that she will get hurt again smh…. There’s so much I could say but I don’t even wanna go into it.

I’m honestly just hurt that this is what she chooses over me. Like…. Really ???? How does she not know that nothing she has with anyone will compare to what we have? I guess the age thing is bothering me because. She probably thinks I’m some kid or something. Like just because I don’t have a car or place of my own doesn’t mean I can’t love you like you wanna be loved. I’m getting my life together. It will sure as hell not be like this forever. There’s nobody on this earth that’s gonna love like I do. Nobody…

There’s so much going through my mind right now. So I apologize for this being so unfocused. But I have to vent somehow.

My protector, my confidant, my love, my sunshine, my baby, my soul mate, my twin flame, my life partner, my nuisance,my heart,…. No matter what we will go through..wont change the fact that she’s mine, doesn’t change the fact that I still love her, that I  need her.

It pains me to say that I can’t see her face before I go to school, pains me to see her doing so much for someone who may care about her, but who can’t love her like I do and always have. Pains me to walk through these stupid mall halls and know that she’s staying with her, she’s seeing her every day, and I won’t know the next time I might see her. Pains me to walk through this mall and see a black evil leprechaun that I cannot stand.

But most of all it pains me to not even really be apart of her life right now. Part of me keeps the distance because I don’t want to be an interference. She may not get this but……anybody could tell that we have a deep connection. It would just complicate things more, and regardless ifIm gonna be with her it’s no way I’m sharing. That’s dead as fuck. I’m no side piece. If you’re with me. I’m the only one you’re gonna be with. And you had better be ready because. I’m in it for the long haul. She’s the only person….she is the only one I wanna spend the rest of my life with. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to date. I can talk to people. But it will only go to a certain point.

Guess that’s the difference between me & her.

 

All alone.

I came to terms with the fact that she has to go through her journey. Like she’s with someone & it’s breaking my heart. So the only thing I had was seeing her face before I went to school sometimes. And now…. I won’t get to see that. I’m so alone. I feel so alone and I just feel like anything that gives me joy is being taken away from me. It’s small things that matter to me,  and now I won’t see her. Who’s gonna watch my back now? Who’s gonna make me feel safe? Nobody. Nobody has ever cared for me half as much as she has. Nobody ever worried about whether I get somewhere safely or whether I’m okay. These are things she’s done when we weren’t on the best of terms. I’m so angry, and I can’t stop crying because I feel like the world is against me. Like I can’t have a little bit of happiness. I believe in God.  I don’t belong to any religion but I do believe in God. I guess God feels like I can handle this. Maybe I will understand later because I don’t right now. She’s my sunshine …..I have been really feeling down & depressed, and I just looked forward to seeing her face before I go to school. I mean I always would be in a better mood. But NO….. I can’t even have that. She’s with someone else, even takes care of this woman’s child, and I hear about ALL of it. I have to know that, and I can’t have this one thing???…… That’s taken away from me too?

There’s this big gaping whole. So many things happening. And the little light I had is gone.

I can’t take all of this. I wish I would stop crying but I can’t. I had a little piece of her just because I knew that she cared.

But now I have nothing.

 

OVERWHELMED

I feel so overwhelmed, and this is constant because I’m like the “go to” for people. Whenever people have these huge relationship problems, or emotional problems, or life decisions they tend to come to me. I like being that for people. I’m always helping people and I don’t mind being that person. However I lose myself in the process sometimes. I worry about the people I love so much that I neglect myself. It”s funny how I call people friends, and so many people call me their “friend”, but nobody has ever really been there for me. I’ve been there for everybody, but literally nobody has been there. With school (taking 7 classes), my health, my exhaustion, and me losing someone who means the world to me. I’ve been quite overwhelmed. To the point where sometimes I just cry every night, every day. Of course nobody notices because I do so quietly…but I’m overwhelmed.

I had always been so alone until I met her. Even when I first met her I knew there would be something about her that I would never forget. It was unexpected. I found the person I’m going to eventually spend my life with. I just never felt alone with her. She always made me smile. She always listened to me when I talked. She always made me laugh. She was a breath of fresh air…..so when we had a falling out it affected me so much. It was the first time I felt like damn…..I really need the person who’s not in my life right now. Like damn……I really have nobody to talk to about MY issues. Like damn. I FEEL LIKE THE LONELIEST GIRL IN THE ENTIRE WORD, AND I’VE BEEN ABANDONED AGAIN! Like damn even though I really don’t want to be running into this girl I love and her secret rendezvous with some woman she’s involved. And I have. Like I can’t keep dealing with all these things. It’s too much. If it’s not one thing its another.

I don’t have her in my life and that is definitely one of my biggest struggles. I was so used to being alone, and then came and I didn’t have to be, but now….all I wanna do is is cry on her shoulder and I can’t. All I wanna do is call her and talk to her and I can’t. I just wanna be in her arms and cry & that’s not even possible. Because she’s with someone else….and I’m sure she knows  if we really started to talk again I would be a threat to her new relationship….eventually we get over the arguments, and the things we have said to each other.

I wouldn’t try either. That’s not even the kind of person I am. But it would inevitably happen because we belong together. Simple as that .

Regardless since she’s not actively involved in my life. All I have is myself again, and it’s been extremely difficult for me to juggle everything I’m feeling, everything I’m doing in school, all these class, my constant exhaustion, my huge amounts of assignments, while also making big changes as far as what I eat (drinking water 90% of the time, starting to cut out all meat accept for fish, and my FUTURE, and watching her date someone that I see all the time. It’s too much. It’s hard, and I’m honestly not sure how to deal with it all when the only person I could tell ANYTHING is gone….

So when I see her and she waves that helps, or if  I happen to see her & she smiles that helps, or when she does something silly that helps. because…it’s a little piece of her . However I miss her and I just wish that I could talk to her again because as of now I just feel like …I’m on overload and I need her.

And I’m not used to needing anyone.