My Sexuality

I’m a lesbian.

It feels so good to type that. It feels better to KNOW that.

I have struggled with my sexuality since I was 7 or 8 years old. I always knew that I was attracted to girls. Women now, but girls back then. It’s just as I got older, since I though I would be teased for it I forced myself to like guys.

I’ve always been more attracted to women my whole life. I tried to fight the urges because I was scared. At first it was me liking guys, but I had a dream about my 3rd grade woman teacher it freaked me out.

As I got older I assumed the urges went away. All my crushes were guys. Well the only time I actually had feelings for were guys. I guess I never found the fact that I never had sex with a guy weird. Or the fact that I never felt super comfortable with a guy, or the fact that nothing ever really worked with any guy.

I thought I was in love with this guy in highschool. A guy who treated me like shit, constantly  verbally attacked me, and humiliated me in school. I actually thought I was in love with this person. But that wasn’t even near love. I just wanted to be loved so bad.

I had a few crushes on girls but I never had any feelings for any of them until I met the love of my life. Everything became so clear. I was attracted to everything about her. From her smile, her laugh, her body, to the briefs that I saw one day. I had never been so attracted to anyone in my entire life. I wanted her….in every single way.  It took me awhile to realize that I was in love with her. But I did.

I had to sit down and think about whether I was really attracted to guys or whether I just wanted the “ideal” life. I realized that all that time I had never actually wanted to spend my life with a guy, rather I wanted what I thought my life should look like.

When I met her all that changed. She helped me find who I really was. Not who I thought I should be. She was the first person I was 100% honest with about my sexuality, and she is the person J eventually wanna spend my life with.

When I started to think about my future. One that didn’t involve her was not what I wanted. One where we were just friends wasn’t complete . One where I got to wake up to her every morning that’s what I wanted. One where I got to be in her arms thats what I wanted,  one where where I get to spoil her, and laugh at stupid things with her, and see her smile every day,  and make love to her, and eventually have a family, and life with her. That is what I want…to be lovers and friends and everything to each other . I had never wanted that with any guy, with any person period for that matter.

I’m just so happy to be able to say that I know who I am now. There’s no confusion.