I Am Human

I am a strong woman

A strong Black woman

But I am not invincible

People make think I am because I am so strong

But I am not

I am sensitive

I am human

I need help sometimes

I cry myself to sleep sometimes

I am not invincible

Just the other day it all became too much

I was in the house alone

I was terrified

For the first time in my life…

I didn’t have control

I panicked

I literally had a panic attack

It was the scariest moment of my life so far

The walls were closing in

I could not breathe

I felt the oxygen escaping my brain

I could not move my body

I could could not stand

I was rushed to the hospital

I felt so alone

I wish I had someone who truly understood me

I am strong

But I am not invincible

I needed help then

I need support now

I am not invincible

Please help

Underwater

When I think about depression I think of drowning.

Drowning in a sea of worries

It’s like when you lay down in a bath tub until you can’t breathe anymore.

Now I’m not suicidal, but I’m struggling to keep my head above water.

Recently my asthma has been bothering me. Something it happening to my body & I don’t know what. To me it just seems like…when I get sad…things start happening, things that I cannot control.

I’m all alone. I still feel like the girl in high school who walked the halls by herself. I feel like thay one kid who never gets picked in gym class.

When will this feeling stop?

Why am I always drowning?

No one sees it.

No one notices.

I’m drowning

I’m drowning

There’s only so much one woman can take.

Until…

Eventually…

There will be no more me. I won’t be taken for granted by the people in my life. I won’t be thrown away.

I’ll just be gone.

Gone, forever..

Just Another Realization

I’ve grown & all, but in some ways things will never change. I really hate the fact that nobody cares for me as much as I do for them.

I feel so alone, and there’s absolutely nobody in my life that is ever there for me like I am for them.

I just have to come to the realization right now that I at this time in my life….I’m a priority to NOBODY.

If something happened to me nobody would notice or even care.

That realization just… its sad.

I hope it changes soon. I don’t deserve to feel like this.

I just want to matter to someone that’s all.

Growth

I really think that I’ve grown so much in the year that I haven’t been here.

In that time not only have I graduated college with my degree in Sociology, but I finally know what I want to do with my life. YES, it toom awhile but I’m finally here & the only thing I can do right now is move forward. Now that I finally know what I’m destined to do.

Something that is also important to growth is individual growth, personal growth if you will..I woke up this morning & the first thing I did was open Instagram. Now that isn’t anything unusual for me. I am a millennial & I do have my fair share of social media, but specifically I checked HER social media. The woman I have posted about previously. The one I will always love because she well she’s…HOME.

Maybe this sounds odd to some people. But if everybody was honest with themselves they would admit that they do it. Ya know..check someone’s page that they know but are not necessarily following. So no I’m not some sort of stalker I just check it periodically because we’re not exactly in contact (I might explain later) & there are many days where I just want to see of there’s anything new with her. Just to see if she’s happy because I know the last time I checked she wasn’t.

So anyway…that’s what I did. Usually when I check there are no New posts. But this time there was a difference. The picture was her and her significant other. Now I know what you guys are thinking. Hell even I was thinking it. Even this time last year I would have been so upset, but I wasn’t this time. And do you know why that was? It was all because of that beautiful smile. Although she’s with someone else right now. I’m not angry, I’m not sad, I still miss her, but I’m happy because her smile….makes me smile.

I partly know why that smile is there because I know her. She is smiling because she’s doing something that makes her happy and I could never be jealous or mad at that.

I’m not going to be unrealistic here, I don’t like to see her with anyone else. She is and will always be the love of my life. She is the one that feels like home. I know that I will love her for as long as I live. I live for that smile. I’m glad that she is smiling, so when I saw those pictures I smiled.

She is still as beautiful as ever. And, as I write this a couple of tears rolled down my cheek, not tears of sadness, but tears of happiness because I know that sometimes she struggles with being happy too.

I know she’ll find her way back to me. I know it. I have faith in that. We’ll never be too far from each other.

So here’s to growth! Because in less than a year I have grown so much. I know what real love is because whether we’re up or down. We always wish the best for each other.

Written by your favorite hopeless romantic

I’m Back!

I have literally been gone for almost a year. Yesterday it just hit me…I miss writing, and I have so much to say, so I will try to post at least twice a week.