I Am Human

I am a strong woman

A strong Black woman

But I am not invincible

People make think I am because I am so strong

But I am not

I am sensitive

I am human

I need help sometimes

I cry myself to sleep sometimes

I am not invincible

Just the other day it all became too much

I was in the house alone

I was terrified

For the first time in my life…

I didn’t have control

I panicked

I literally had a panic attack

It was the scariest moment of my life so far

The walls were closing in

I could not breathe

I felt the oxygen escaping my brain

I could not move my body

I could could not stand

I was rushed to the hospital

I felt so alone

I wish I had someone who truly understood me

I am strong

But I am not invincible

I needed help then

I need support now

I am not invincible

Please help

Underwater

When I think about depression I think of drowning.

Drowning in a sea of worries

It’s like when you lay down in a bath tub until you can’t breathe anymore.

Now I’m not suicidal, but I’m struggling to keep my head above water.

Recently my asthma has been bothering me. Something it happening to my body & I don’t know what. To me it just seems like…when I get sad…things start happening, things that I cannot control.

I’m all alone. I still feel like the girl in high school who walked the halls by herself. I feel like thay one kid who never gets picked in gym class.

When will this feeling stop?

Why am I always drowning?

No one sees it.

No one notices.

I’m drowning

I’m drowning

There’s only so much one woman can take.

Until…

Eventually…

There will be no more me. I won’t be taken for granted by the people in my life. I won’t be thrown away.

I’ll just be gone.

Gone, forever..

Growth

I really think that I’ve grown so much in the year that I haven’t been here.

In that time not only have I graduated college with my degree in Sociology, but I finally know what I want to do with my life. YES, it toom awhile but I’m finally here & the only thing I can do right now is move forward. Now that I finally know what I’m destined to do.

Something that is also important to growth is individual growth, personal growth if you will..I woke up this morning & the first thing I did was open Instagram. Now that isn’t anything unusual for me. I am a millennial & I do have my fair share of social media, but specifically I checked HER social media. The woman I have posted about previously. The one I will always love because she well she’s…HOME.

Maybe this sounds odd to some people. But if everybody was honest with themselves they would admit that they do it. Ya know..check someone’s page that they know but are not necessarily following. So no I’m not some sort of stalker I just check it periodically because we’re not exactly in contact (I might explain later) & there are many days where I just want to see of there’s anything new with her. Just to see if she’s happy because I know the last time I checked she wasn’t.

So anyway…that’s what I did. Usually when I check there are no New posts. But this time there was a difference. The picture was her and her significant other. Now I know what you guys are thinking. Hell even I was thinking it. Even this time last year I would have been so upset, but I wasn’t this time. And do you know why that was? It was all because of that beautiful smile. Although she’s with someone else right now. I’m not angry, I’m not sad, I still miss her, but I’m happy because her smile….makes me smile.

I partly know why that smile is there because I know her. She is smiling because she’s doing something that makes her happy and I could never be jealous or mad at that.

I’m not going to be unrealistic here, I don’t like to see her with anyone else. She is and will always be the love of my life. She is the one that feels like home. I know that I will love her for as long as I live. I live for that smile. I’m glad that she is smiling, so when I saw those pictures I smiled.

She is still as beautiful as ever. And, as I write this a couple of tears rolled down my cheek, not tears of sadness, but tears of happiness because I know that sometimes she struggles with being happy too.

I know she’ll find her way back to me. I know it. I have faith in that. We’ll never be too far from each other.

So here’s to growth! Because in less than a year I have grown so much. I know what real love is because whether we’re up or down. We always wish the best for each other.

Written by your favorite hopeless romantic

Valentine’s Day Sadness

Today is Valentine’s Day. For a hopeless romantic like me this holiday should be the greatest day ever. I always dream of spoiling the woman I love, and just spending super romantic quality with my love. Instead this day makes me sad. Every time I see a happy couple on facebook, or an instagram post of someone’s Valentine’s Day gifts I get sad.

Not in the way you think though. I’m truly happy that they have love, I’m just upset because I don’t have anyone to share my life with. I’m upset because every Valentine’s Day no matter what my situation is..I seem to be alone on this day. I’m upset because the woman that I want to spend the day with, every day with as a matter of fact. She’s gone..and I miss her. The love of my life..

So today, this romantic, loving, memorable, yearly day, makes me extra melancholy this year. All I can do is cry.

Signed by a true hopeless romantic…

Thought of the day: 2

Why and how can a person deny something so special? So real. For if she really believed all the things she attempts to convince me of… Why can’t we be in the same room when she’s around her girlfriend? Why does she avoid being in the same room with me when her girlfriend is around? If everything she says is really true there should be no problem with my name being in her phone, or us being in the same room. Because there’s nothing there right? Like who is she trying to convince me or herself?

Either way she’s not doing a good job of either.

Only thing she’s doing is proving that our connection is undeniable, and unnecessarily hurting me won’t change that.. .

I’d rather her just say that she can’t be with me right now because she isn’t ready, then deny we have anything at all.

It’s like just be honest with yourself.

Thought of the day: 1

Am I worse for letting her minimize & deny?

I really just believe that I can’t force her to see what I see. So I let her do it….because I know if she really believed what she said she wouldn’t get so angry about some of the things I say.

It hurts though. To watch someone you love minimize a relationship that means the world to you, just to validate her new one

Honestly that does the opposite.

But to me it does not matter. She isn’t even ready to accept the truth. Nothing I say will change the fact that she isn’t ready..

All I’m going to do right now is focus on myself and my future. Fate will work itself out.

Goodnight.

I’m Back, I’ll Be Better

I thought I would be gone for awhile. But then I remembered that writing has been my only solace.

It’s crazy how words can cause so much harm. I talked to her yesterday. Or shall I say screamed. In the midst of all that I said many things that I didn’t mean, out of anger.

She said that we never had a mental connection, and that we never had anything.

It hurt. It really did…Does she not notice our pattern? Our chemistry? Our connection? The way we argue and reunite . Every. Single. Time. How can she be that much in denial about the connection we share? The way we look at each other…even from a distance.

The fact that we see right through each other. I mean that is why she avoids it. She keeps saying that I don’t know her, when thats not true either. I do know her. May not be every single part because it’s been awhile….but I definitely know her. I don’t doubt she’s changed, but she clearly doubts how much I know her.

I don’t appreciate her doubting the love I have for her. She has no clue how much I’ve truly loved her, even when I’m forced to love her from a distance.

If that was the “last time” we would talk. I regret saying the things I’ve said, some how I doubt that was though. She belongs in my life.

She however can’t see that, and I will not force her to. I also won’t look like a fool. I’m don’t declaring my love for her. She knows that I love her, and when she’s ready for true love maybe I’ll be open to it.

As of now I need to work on healing myself, learning to live life to the fullest, working on becoming the best woman I can be. All I want to do is stop living in pain. I want to get through the many things I’ve been through and still be the beautiful person I know I can be..and be the best person for my true love.

The person I’ll spend the rest of my life with…whomever that may be.

When we reunite again  I will be better.

For now…….

I’m back. And in 2016 I will be better than the woman I was in 2015.

 

No Love For Me

2016 will be the year I work on loving myself. I will continue to focus on my career, getting further, and my future, but I will remind myself that I’m beautiful & I am worth real love.

Just because nobody has realized that I’m worth it doesn’t mean I’m not. Just because I have flaws & an imperfect body doesn’t mean I’m not attractive or I don’t deserve love.

Now…

While I do seriously want to remind myself of those things everyday. How do I believe them if they are never supported. I’ve loved someone with every bone in my body, with every part of my soul, with every part of my being, and I’ve still come up short. I still have not been worth it to anyone, and I’m still alone, unhappy, and invisible to anybody I’ve ever cared about.

So my question is…

How do I keep believing in something when I always come up short?

I can love myself all day, but clearly no one else does.

New Year Blues

I’m so unhappy.

I should be celebrating the new years and having fun like most people but I don’t feel up to it. Everybody sees me & they think I’m happy. But I’m screaming inside. “Help me!, I need support, I need someone to be here for me, I don’t want to be alone any longer”

But…

No one can hear me. I’m all alone. I crawled in bed right after 12 while my family was upstairs clinking their glasses, and talking about their New Year resolutions.

I want someone to see that I’m so unhappy but no one does. They just don’t pay attention. I just want someone to love me. I wanna start my Year with someone who wants to be with me for a change. But it never happens that way for me.

No one loves me, no one wants to be with me, and no one cares about me.

Happy New Year!

Tired of being the “strong one”

Everybody knows I’m strong. In fact they expect me to be there whenever they need something, they expect for me to be their rock in their time of need..

But who’s there when I need them?? Who’s here for me right now in my time of need? Who’s here wiping my tears because….I need her & she can’t be here for me.  Who’s here for me to tell me everything will be okay?

NOT A DAMN SOUL

I have to do that all myself.

…guess things never change