Missing My Sunshine

I miss my sunshine.

Those are four words that I say everyday.

It’s incredibly hard not to have her in my life. It’s a struggle every day. Not being able to see her smile, or hear her laugh .

Every morning before I went to school, I would get this content feeling when I saw her beautiful smile. When I would look into those eyes.

I’ll repeat.

I miss my sunshine.

My life isn’t the same without her,  the love & light of my life.

 

Written by a girl who will truly always be in love with the girl she’s writing about.

 

Love

I have never loved someone so hard in my life. I thought I was in love two other times. And I now know that I wasn’t because of how I feel about her. See I know this because…

Even though we’re not really in each others lives. I still pray for her. I still think of her each night before I go to sleep. I’d still give her my last dime. I still worry about her when I feel like something is wrong. I can literally feel when something is wrong . I love her with every part of my being,  because if when we’re not in the greatest place every part of me misses her.

I never felt so connected to anyone before & I know I’ll never find any connection like the one I have with her.

I miss her. We had the most interesting conversations, I was the happiest when I was with her. All I had to be is in her presence & everything was complete. When I was with her…I felt at home.

So now that I have no choice but to cope without her. I’m homesick. I’m lovesick.

She’s my everything, and I hope she finds her way back sooner rather than later.

Our love is Timeless…but I Still Need Her Presence.

I must say it’s difficult walking through a space when I could count on seeing her face at least a few times a week. I mean because now I can’t see her beautiful face before I really start my day. I have known for a while that she’s the one for me, but I now realize the magnitude in which I love her.

Not seeing her face is saddening to say the least. Her smile kept me going. Her silly antics made me giggle. The little things made me smile, and she knew that.

I was never the type to need material things. I never needed gifts or jewelry. All I needed was her. Her presence was enough for me. And now that it’s gone that is what hurts. I don’t like bit knowing that’s going on in her life. I don’t like hearing things from other people I want it from her.

I wish I could just see some pictures, or I don’t know add her on snapchat. I know how silly that must sound, but how does it when we can’t communicate in conventional ways?

I miss her, and if she can’t be in my life the “normal” way (which hey.. Lol we’re not really the normal or have go by the book type of love.) I would just like some way to keep up with her.

I’m aware that life doesn’t stop. It’s ongoing. But I need to know she’s there in some way. I want to take comfort in knowing that the woman I love cares about what’s going on in my life, because no matter what I know she knows I’ll never stop caring about what’s going on in hers.

I miss my sunshine. I just want us to keep up with each other. If not the conventional way, then in our own way.

For our love is infinite. It’s timeless. And though I’ve heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder. I’ve been needing her. Does that count for anything?

How I’m feeling

I miss her face. It pains me to walk through this stupid mall & I can’t see her face anymore. I can’t see her smile. I miss her so much. This is my worst nightmare & I hate the person who caused this. Because every time I walk through here I cry. I can’t possibly avoid this mall. I work here. But….. She’s gone & I can feel it every time I’m in here. I never thought I could love someone this much. But I do…. I always will. No matter what disagreement we’ve had my love for her has never wavered. It’s eternal… It’s unconditional. I can look into those eyes and tell that she’s the one.

The fact that I haven’t seen her is ripping me to shreds. I’m a strong person. My mother raised me to be. But I miss her….My heart misses her, my soul misses her. I love her with all my heart..

I refer to her as that now. Because we’ll she’s a light. I could be sad, and all she’d have to do is smile & I would smile too.

I have to deal with her being with someone else. Hey she could possibly be in love with all that I’ve heard. And now I have to deal not being able to see her.

On top of that…. It’s worrying me. This relationship she’s in. Their relationship has way too much drama for them to be starting out. The woman isn’t even 100% in it. Shes working at a place where her boss, got my love fired. Like…. That’s problematic as hell. I’m worried that she will get hurt again smh…. There’s so much I could say but I don’t even wanna go into it.

I’m honestly just hurt that this is what she chooses over me. Like…. Really ???? How does she not know that nothing she has with anyone will compare to what we have? I guess the age thing is bothering me because. She probably thinks I’m some kid or something. Like just because I don’t have a car or place of my own doesn’t mean I can’t love you like you wanna be loved. I’m getting my life together. It will sure as hell not be like this forever. There’s nobody on this earth that’s gonna love like I do. Nobody…

There’s so much going through my mind right now. So I apologize for this being so unfocused. But I have to vent somehow.

My protector, my confidant, my love, my sunshine, my baby, my soul mate, my twin flame, my life partner, my nuisance,my heart,…. No matter what we will go through..wont change the fact that she’s mine, doesn’t change the fact that I still love her, that I  need her.

It pains me to say that I can’t see her face before I go to school, pains me to see her doing so much for someone who may care about her, but who can’t love her like I do and always have. Pains me to walk through these stupid mall halls and know that she’s staying with her, she’s seeing her every day, and I won’t know the next time I might see her. Pains me to walk through this mall and see a black evil leprechaun that I cannot stand.

But most of all it pains me to not even really be apart of her life right now. Part of me keeps the distance because I don’t want to be an interference. She may not get this but……anybody could tell that we have a deep connection. It would just complicate things more, and regardless ifIm gonna be with her it’s no way I’m sharing. That’s dead as fuck. I’m no side piece. If you’re with me. I’m the only one you’re gonna be with. And you had better be ready because. I’m in it for the long haul. She’s the only person….she is the only one I wanna spend the rest of my life with. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to date. I can talk to people. But it will only go to a certain point.

Guess that’s the difference between me & her.

 

Lovesick …

When most people my age think about love. They want it to be so perfect, for it to be the flowers, and gifts, etc. All those things are nice but love has its ups and downs, and when you really love someone you’re always willing to weather the storms.  It’s more than the outside that counts. When I realized that I was attracted to her it wasn’t because of how she looked. Her looks were always secondary. Of course I think she’s beautiful, but it was how she made me feel. It was how she made me laugh. It was the long talks at work. it was the laughs, and it was her smile.

See…with her I’m who I always strive to be. Although I’m a good person I’m even better with her in my life. I’m more open, I have less guards up, I have more faith in myself, I laugh even more, I smile even more, I have the motivation I need to do things I’ve always been meaning to do. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s the one because of course I’m whole by myself, but when she’s in my life I want to be better. She’s the only one who has ever thought there was way more good in me than bad, and actually meant everything she said. I feel warm with her. I feel safe with her. I feel protected. I have never ever felt this way about anybody before. Of course I wish we’d fight fairly. Literally every time we argue is a nightmare for me because we say unnecessary and mean things to each other. We definitely need to work on that. But at the end of the day me without her is like eggs without bacon, like Gina without Martin, like peanut butter without jelly. You get the point. I love her.

This is once in a lifetime. Not everybody gets to experience something like this

So because she’s not in my life there’s just a void, There’s always someone missing…and perhaps that’s why I continue to cry myself to sleep. I can’t imagine someone being separated from their best friend & true love being a good experience…