Infinite Love

I want us to be together. Which means it pains me to see her with someone else. She’s my sunshine. She’s my life partner. That’s expected. I don’t expect the world to stop, but I don’t expect her to freeze me out either.

I want us to grow, and become the best people we can be. I want us to be strong , successful  and prosperous together. Since I can’t have all that right now…. I just want to be able to talk to her once in awhile. I just wanna know that once in a while I can hear her voice or once in a while we can call each other & see how each other are doing.

I definitely have my insecurities, but I don’t doubt that  I belong with her, and she belongs with me. I have a lot to work on. I have my flaws but she means the world to me. That won’t ever change  .

I’m just going through a tough time right now, and I wish she could kiss me on the forehead and tell me everything is going to be okay. I wish I could tell her about my problems and then fall asleep in her arms. At the least I wish I could hear her voice.

Since I can’t it gets hard. Especially knowing that she’s with someone who has more money, more stability, a child. It scares me and sometimes I get insecure because she has things that I don’t.  I mean I’ve never been reassured so….my mind wanders.

You see but the thing is. Even with all that. It’s not what we have. July 2014 I met the love of my life. Nobody can take that away from me. I’m grateful for finding her. Separation from anybody else wouldn’t feel like this…

I hope she knows that no matter how many times I get mad at her. The love I have for her is unconditional. It’s never wavered and it won’t. I also hope she knows that she has hurt me & I deserve an apology for some of the things she’s done.

We’re finding ourselves…I just wish we’d do it together, or maybe that defeats the purpose.

I miss her so much. I yearn for her presence.

That being said I love her eternally, wholeheartedly, and unconditionally and that will never change.

I’m glad to have found someone I can & will love forever.  I just wish she were here for me now.

This is real. This is eternal. We’ll always find our way back to each other ❤

Nothing I Can Do

I’ve been drinking….. Drinking more…I don’t drink much unless I’m in a social setting. But part of it is so I can drown the pain away. A few wine coolers can only do so much, but I’ve never been this upset before. Someone I’m deeply in love with is with someone else and her child and it’s killing me.

No I don’t have a drinking problem or anything. I just wish someone I love didn’t always have to be snatched from me. I feel like I’ve been abandoned. I’ve felt like that all my life. Like I’m not good enough, or pretty enough. Even when I give my all. It’s still not enough. See she does not even realize how much this hurts. And I would never personally let her know either. Because I always put others before me. I always put the people I love feelings before mine. So if she’s so happy, and because this what she chose. I just have to be OK  with it. Because I would never put anything before her

So because I love her and respect her. I keep my distance. But honestly I resent that woman because it’s just not fair. I don’t have the the things she has. Or the beauty I guess… And I resent her too because she might be pretty, and she might have a son. But she doesn’t love her like I do. She doesn’t fall asleep thinking about her like I do. She doesn’t…. And instead of her seeing that this relationship isn’t the best for her. She swept up in the moment and all the excitement, and she is overlooking the obvious.

What they have…. It’s not what we have. It doesn’t even compare. But I can’t force her to see it. I just have to sit back in silence while the love of my life falls for someone else. Even though I can’t stand the fact that she is deciding to abandon me, and probably move in with her.

I can’t take much more. Everything I have cared about is gone. My health won’t improve. I’m nobody’s priority.

 

I’m alone. I’m struggling with life…and I just feel like nothing is going my way.

 

Gone.

That feeling…even when you may not necessarily want to miss someone but you do. You don’t miss them because you can’t live without them, you miss them because you don’t want to live without them. You miss them because they made you laugh harder than anyone could, you miss them because you could talk to them for hours even if it was about absolutely nothing, you miss them because you’ve never felt love like this, you miss them because they’re your guardian angel, you miss them because they’re the love of your life…I miss this person. I miss her….and MOST OF ALL I miss her because she’s gone…It was my birthday and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I miss her, her’s in about two weeks and I won’t even be able to say anything. The memories are still vivid, but she’s gone. So I’m left…alone as usual. I guess things never change.